At some point after I got pregnant with my second child, I disappeared.
I am still here physically, but me, the basic parts of my personality and most importantly MY MIND somehow disappeared. Whether it was caused by the rough pregnancy, or by some type of hormonal overload, I have no idea. What I do know is I'm acutely aware of it, yet can do absolutely nothing about it. Rather than a post partum type of depressed, I just can't do it, I don't like my life feeling, this is simply an awareness that I am a completely different person. And yet, as strange as it may sound, the 'original me' (as I like to refer to her) is still there, she's simply an inactive bystander for some reason. And in meeting and talking with other moms with more than one child, it's come to my notice that many mothers are experiencing the same exact thing.
Some people may call it "mommy brain", some people may call it "momnesia". I call it a pain in my ass. I distinctly remember being able to hold an intelligent, INTERESTING conversation with my husband for a considerable length of time. Nowadays, when we get the chance to talk at the end of the day, there is no telling what type of gibberish may come out of my mouth. Or what terms have completely escaped my mind altogether. Simple things like dates, memories, common descriptive terms that might focus on something actually outside the house. Many of these things have deserted me for more fertile and active ground. Perhaps they've jumped ship to spend time in the brain of my labrador, who i'm fairly certain could beat me hands down in a game of trivial pursuit these days.
So what do I think is going on? Well first, I don't think, remember? Or when I do, random groupings of nonsensical words seem to flow out of their own accord. But the only thing I can figure is that somehow, somewhere along this glorious path to motherhood, a woman's brain simply reorganizes. The space previously dedicated to extending your personal knowledge, sharpening your senses, and other such non-important things is now overtaken by the "Mommy Details" section. In this section you instead have immediate recall for sock sizes, favorite desserts, best sippy cup to take on long trips, 14 different ways to cope with a bad case of diaper rash, which toys seem to instigate sibling world wars, and other such vital information.
After all, that probably really is more important than noticing the car is about to run out of gas, or that your green slacks don't actually go with the purple striped sweatshirt you grabbed out of your closet in the dark this morning. Happy thinking mommies!
4 comments:
Yes! Yes! I have felt the same way since Lucy was born. I do completely mindless things - like leave the keys in the ignition of the van in the mall parking lot. And I do feel like a different creature. I know exactly what you're saying. The question is, will we stay like this?
I was going to comment, but in the time it took for the page to load, I forgot what I was going to say. :) I can't tell you how many times I have done a U-Turn at the END OF OUR STREET to go back and make sure I shut the garage door because I had already forgotten if I did. It's bad...and I only had a half of a brain to start with.
Yeah, I hear ya. Last nihgt my 'intelligent' converation with hubby was about poop, puking and time outs. I cant wrap my brain around anything else,what gives?!
I have been the same way!! My blog has many a forgotten post that has been lost in the neverland that has taken over my brain.
I hold conversations that go something like this, "could you pass me that . . . . that . . . . that thing that I fix your hair with . . . brush yeah that's it . . . pass me the brush on top of the . . . the . . . that thing over that you sit on . . . Yeah chair, that's what I meant"
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