We've all seen it. The toddler weeping as if her little heart will break as she clings to her mother's pant leg, absolutely determined not to let Mom out of her sight. Meanwhile, teacher, grandparent, or sitter stand by, desperately trying to coax the little Cling-On away with noise making toys, promises of ice cream for dinner and visions of "what FUN we're going to have." Mom then does one of two things. She stops, gathers her little one in her arms, and coos and cuddles her, calming her down and thus giving in completely. You can already see the wheels turning ("Well, I'll call Janice and just reschedule lunch for sometime next week. She'll understand."). Or, flushing red with embarassment at the attention the predicament is causing, she extracts her leg from her little one and flees in a panic, determined to get as far away as possible as quickly as possible.
So which reaction is the RIGHT one? Neither.
By giving in and staying with your little one, you are inadvertently teaching her to cry and throw a tantrum until she gets what she wants. In this case, Mommy to stay.
By beating a quick retreat, you are causing temporary separations to seem like abandonment in the eyes of your toddler. This only leads to a drastic increase in fear and panic whenever you must be apart.
Okay know it all, you're saying, so what am I SUPPOSED to do? How would YOU handle the situation when you have banana now smeared all over your new silk pants, you're cruising on three hours sleep,one cup of coffee, and you're not even sure you remembered to rinse the shampoo out of your hair in the shower this morning? Teach us, oh enlightened one.
Well, don't get snippy about it, but I will. (By the way, I haven't put on deodorant in over 24 hours, and I think I may currently have a hunk of half eaten pancake in my hair. Just wanted to share so you'd know we really are on the same page here.) :-)
The best way to handle these necessary separations involves a few basic steps.
- Prepare your toddler ahead of time. Remind them the night before, the morning of, and on the way in the car. "Mommy has to go meet someone, but you get to spend time with Grams and Poppy today, and you guys are going to do all sorts of neat things!" Or "Grandma and Grandpa Billy Goat (okay, this may make no sense to you, but my family understands what I mean) are going to take you to the zoo this afternoon, won't that be fun?"
- Make the 'trade-off' quickly. When you arrive at your destination, carry your child if possible. Then hand your child over to the sitter (you can do this in your living room too), or at preschool set your child down with other kids who are already involved with toys or something interesting. This is telling your child, okay, you were with Mommy or Daddy, now you're going to spend some time with Grandma, or stay here and play with these kids.
- Give your child a kiss, say something upbeat "See you later!", "Be back before you know it!", and get out. Do not stand around and discuss anything with the teacher (if this needs to be done, ask the teacher to step outside the room with you - out of sight of your little one - or make an appt for when you come back at the end of the day). Don't catch up with Grams, save that for over the phone or later on when you're together. This quick, definitive action teaches your child some key things. Primarily, that this IS happening, and there is no use getting upset over it. And secondly, that being separated is no big deal. It might even be fun.
Let's also all understand that there are going to be good days and bad days. There WILL be days where you walk out of the room to the sound of your precious, adorable little child screaming in a violent rage of protest. And that sound is going to rip your heart out with a jagged knife and shred your stomach to bits with a rusty fork. You may very well get to your car and find yourself beating the steering wheel mercilessly and smearing your mascara around to your ear. AND THAT'S OKAY. It's natural to feel upset about being separated from your child, just as it is natural for them to feel the same being separated from you.
Just remember that what you're working towards is establishing your child's independence and confidence in themselves. Your child is no longer simply an extension of you. They are their own amazing little individual, and they need the chance to understand that.
And giving them that chance is worth buying a padded steering wheel cover or reapplying as much mascara as necessary.
3 comments:
i have a 20 month old grandaughter that i have had guardianship of for the last year. the mother has been in and out of the picture. recently her mother was around on a daily basis and then last two weeks seems to have chosen not to be in the childs life. when she does stop in to get something the child screams when she leaves. now the child won't let you leave her sight, you can't seem to do anything without her crying if you get out of sight or anything that entails her leaving your side.i.e. i asked my granddaughter to give my daughter a kiss goodnight and she would not leave my side to walk over to do it unless i held her hand. i have tried some of the techniques you are referring to we had little episodes to let her know i was coming back or where we were going but this is new. what to do?
I have a 18 month old that wont go to sleep with out someone in the room. Mostly me. I have tried to have my boyfriend lay with him but if he is not cuddled up close to someone he will not fall asleep. I know that going back and forth between me and his bio. dad's house is hard on him, but getting him to sleep in his own bed I know is important I just do not know how to get him back into a routine. Can you help me? Elizabeth
First off, Tracy, I apologize for not responding to your post earlier. For some reason I am only being notified half the time when comments are made - working on that from the setup point of view. I hope things have evened out a bit with your granddaughter. If not please feel free to email me (jnremeta@gmail.com) and I can try to help out with what has worked for me.
Anonymous - You sound just like me when Alex turned 18 months! We've actually been lucky that he's a good sleeper, but at 18 months it was like a switch went off and he went back to crying and throwing fits before finally going to sleep. Here's what worked for us:
1-Establish a bed time routine. Bath, get tucked in, read a book, then lights out and mommy leaves the room. Or, get on your pjs, read a book, turn on your nightlight, then lights out and mommy leaves the room. Something like that. My husband and I have found that reading Alex a book is key. Not only does it help him learn his words, it gives him time to "switch gears" and mellow out a bit to get ready for bed.
2 - Follow your routine no matter where you are. If you're traveling, or if he's at his dad's house, see if you can get his dad to do something similar. The closer you can get everyone to stick to the routine the faster he'll adapt and learn okay "this means bedtime."
3 - If he throws fits and you're anything like me, you can't handle listening to your child scream. I am just NOT a supporter of the let them cry it out idea. Instead, I follow the routine like normal. Even if Alex is crying when I leave the room, I do so. I hold out at least five minutes, then go in, settle him back down for a minute or two, and leave again. You may have to repeat this many, many times for the first few nights, but the key is to NOT let him out of the room, and NOT lay down with him. Calm him down, but don't give in. After a while, he will wear out and fall asleep. And each night that time will get shorter and shorter until one night he'll shock you and go to sleep with no issue whatsoever!
I don't believe in telling parents what WILL work for them and what won't when it comes to their kids, I can only tell you what worked for us and hope it helps. Good luck either way!!
P.S. You might want to take him to a toy store and make a big deal about letting him pick out a stuffed animal or something that will be his "sleep buddy". That way he's got something to fall asleep with that isn't mommy or daddy. Keep me posted!
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